If you read this article, you probably asked yourself: what do I do if my child does not agree with me? You might think that, when they were little, our children used to prove us right in almost everything. However, as they grow, they mature physically, emotionally and intellectually. For this reason it is normal that, from time to time, there are differences in the relationship.
What to do then when the first discrepancies begin to appear? In any case, divergent views regarding some important issues: goals, schedules, norms …
It is very important to know what to do at this time, as it will be from now on when a break can begin or, on the contrary, a greater unity with the child.
Differences with children are accentuated at puberty
Let’s be realistic. When we were young we went through the same situation with our parents. For various reasons we did not agree with any behavior, rule or decision they put on the table. According to Parra and Oliva (2002) , the conflict in social relations is accentuated during the puberty of children. In fact, they point out that the origin of the conflict may be due to several causes.
One of them is in the difference between what parents expect from their children and their real behavior. Likewise, the differences could be due to critical cognitive processes with respect to family norms or parental models.
“Communication between parents and children is not usually problematic in childhood but in adolescence: prevention with positive attitudes is a good guarantee”
-Gloria Elena Franco-
The children’s disagreement and communication
As you can see, children express their disagreement is not strange in family dynamics, nor is something necessarily bad. On the contrary, the fact that children question decisions or points of view means that they are developing their mental abilities and their own criteria . In other words, they are maturing.
However, what can generate warning signs is the way in which children express their disagreement. In fact, the lack of communication or skills related to it is what normally causes conflicts in the family. This problem is accentuated as there is no warm family context and understanding.
The article mentioned above indicates that, between childhood and adolescence, communication in the family deteriorates and becomes more difficult. Therefore, if we ask ourselves what to do if our child does not agree with us, we should consider improving communication .
What do I do if my child does not agree
According to Gloria Elena Franco, author of the book « Communication in the family» , communicating demands personal oblivion to be interested in the other person. That is, leave our thoughts for a moment to listen and understand the other person.
In fact, the goal of communication is met when there is an exchange. This includes knowing how to think, feel or act from one person to another. So if your child shares your feeling, listen to him. However, communication is a science that is learned and improved with practice.
Avoid making mistakes in communication between parents and children. For example: generalize, criticize, shout, physically or psychologically mistreat your child or simply not pay attention. On the contrary, listen carefully to what he says until he has finished. Remember, your goal should be to know what your child really feels and thinks. For this you will need a lot of patience and, above all, self-control to control your impulses by judging or threatening it.
If you over-react, your child will probably decide not to talk to you anymore to avoid quarrels. In addition, you will not have the moral authority to teach him to communicate or to ask him to behave properly. If your child doesn’t agree with you and you just feel like you’re going to explode, pause the conversation. Unless you are calm , you will not be able to deal with the matter effectively. However, the goal is not to avoid confrontation but to gain time.
Being calm will allow you to think better about the situation. In fact, meditating will help you understand your child’s posture. Consequently, you can face the conflict in an uplifting way and thus reach a peaceful solution.
Although there is good communication, sometimes simply parents and children will not agree on their opinions . This is also normal because your children are not a copy of you. They have the freedom of choice and thought. You should be aware that not everything they think will be to your liking. Therefore, respect in the relationship is essential.
Actually, having an open emotional attitude will help in conflict resolution; If you react in a negative and tax way, the only thing you will achieve is that your children move away from you. In case this happens, you will not be able to advise them in decision making. You should keep in mind that if your child doesn’t agree with you, it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. In fact, it is very likely that they can reach some agreement through communication, respect and understanding.